


Brotherhood gone bonkers

by Aqua111



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie Comic)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 21:32:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15916671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aqua111/pseuds/Aqua111
Summary: A drunken Thunderhawk, a bunch of pidgeons, tomatoes in bathtubs and loads of chaos.





	Brotherhood gone bonkers

"We shall do _what_?" the Guardians asked in unison. They couldn't believe what Spectre just had suggested.

"As I said", Spectre replied, "it might do us a world of good if we took a few days off. Since our camping tour we didn't even have a free weekend - and some of us don't even stay away from work long enough to sleep." Locke didn't need to return Spectre's gaze to know who he was speaking of. "From the looks of it the Dark Legion won't cause any trouble in the nearest future and the EST will be able to take care of the few troubles that might occur. There's no reason why we shouldn't take a few days off to relax and have fun."

"We already tried to have fun", Thunderhawk scowled when he remembered their camping trip, "It was awful."

"I think the problem was that we tried to stay even closer than we normally did", Spectre said.

"And that we did a lot of stuff only Athair liked a lot", Sojourner added.

"But in the end you liked it too, didn't you?" Athair threw in.

"NO!" came Thunderhawk's and Sojourner's loud reply.

"But at least it was good for us after all", Sabre said and then turned to Locke, "Besides, you really need some spare time once in a while. Your work will kill you one day."

"Then please let me die happily", was Locke's response.

"Will you please shut up and let me finish?" Spectre's voice was calm but something in it told the other Brotherhood members that a bloodbath would follow if they weren't quiet. Immediately it became silent in the room.

"If I learned one thing for sure", Spectre now continued, "then it is that you shouldn't try to put a bunch of bickering Echidnas even closer together. It might have been good for our family life but not really for our nerves and overall it was more like a stressful family therapy than a holiday. But this time I'm speaking of free time, not male bonding. Go and visit Echidnaopolis or any other town, blow up your room or just stay there the whole time to watch porn, whatever you want to just as long as it won't cause too much trouble and doesn't have anything to do with work. I guess we should even switch off the screens in the surveillance room and lock the doors there just to be sure."

"But what if there's an emergency and someone really needs to contact us? Knuckles can't be everywhere and also can't always come back to Haven that fast", Locke said despaired. He had no idea how he should keep himself busy for even a day without surveillance duty.

"Then use letter pidgeons for crying out loud", Spectre shouted.

Locke winced and tried to hide under the table but thank goodness the dark Guardian wasn't in the mood to go after him right now. Instead he just stood up with a, "This meeting is over. I will give Remington and Knuckles a call that we might not be available for the next few days", and stomped out of the room.

That had been two days ago and now Locke was on the way to feed his pidgeons. It had been Sabre's idea that taking care of pidgeons for a while might help reducing the signs of withdrawal and Locke didn't want to have yet another argumentation with his father. The room the birds now were in once had been a little and barely used storage room. The few things that had been in there were now somewhere else. An always opened short air shaft was the way to fly in and out.

When Locke entered the room not a single pidgeon was there. 'Strange', he thought, 'it's still pretty early in the morning and they normally stay inside over night.' Then he heard a silent scratching and fluttering and noticed that the air shaft was closed. He removed the shutter and a bunch of overly excited pidgeons fluttered around him eager to get back to their places on the shelves.

"Pidgeons on shelves, a secret porn chamber no one ever cared to keep a secret, cappuccino addicts, Dimitri... My whole family is a bunch of retards", Thunderhawk leered and took another sip from his drink. Several empty glasses were already standing around him and he had insisted to keep them standing where they were calling them his "trophies". The Echidna behind the counter had already heard the same story over and over again the whole night long but he still nodded, tried to give his face a sympathetic look - he got payed for it after all or else his alcoholic drinks wouldn't be that expensive - and silently thanked all available gods that his family wasn't that chaotic. Sure, there was this one crazy uncle no one ever wanted to invite to a party unless it needed to be crashed but the family of this guy seemed to be made of crazy uncles only.

"Guess I call it a day now", the lavender Guardian said after a few more minutes, stood up and waited a while if the floor would stop moving.

"Guess you should rather call it a night", the barkeeper said after a look out of the window and the rising sun.

"Whatever. God, you really should get another floor. This one just crawled away under my feet." With that Thunderhawk stumbled out into the morning.

"Good morning, do you know that you are covered in feathers?" Locke was greeted by an overly happy sounding Athair when he came into the kitchen. "Oh, and you also have bird poop on your head."

"Couldn't you have cleaned you off before coming to the kitchen", Sabre frowned.

"No, because I first wanted to find out who the heck locked my pidgeons up the whole night long", Locke scowled.

"That was the block for the spam mail", Sojourner said unmoved and took a sip from his coffee.

"Spam... wait, what?" Locke sputtered.

"Yeah, I ordered the newest issue of my magazine over pidgeon in the hope it would arrive faster. But unfortunately they also delivered mail telling me how many females are longing to be pleased by me or that I need a penis enlargement."

"You ordered your damn magazines over my pidgeons?" The younger Guardian looked as if he wanted to go for Sojourner's throat and Sabre already got ready to jump between the two when a ringing sound was heard.

"My phone", Sojourner said and pulled a mobile phone out of the inside of his vest. "Bought that thing yesterday in Echidnaopolis. Spectre would have chopped my head off if I had called all my little hotlines over Haven's phones and so I'd rather pay my own phone bill."

"We really should have neutered him", Locke muttered but Sabre gestured him to stay silent. The three other Echidnas now silently stared at Sojourner and tried to figure out what his call was about. He didn't say too much but from the expression on his face it couldn't be too good.

"That was Remington", he said after his call was over, "Someone just called the EST because a Guardian had been in his shop, tried to sell lightbulbs and asked if he could buy a street from that money he would get. And then someone else called beause he had seen someone running from one bush to the next in the park and when he tried to ask what that person was doing he got the answer 'I am a Guardian, that's completely normal'. These things are only minor things and normally not worth bothering but he still wanted to inform us in case it was the beginning of yet another cappuccino rush..." he stopped for a second, "Where the heck is Spectre?"

But before they could do more than exchange worried gazes a voice came from the door. "I'm here and I have stayed completely caffeine-clean for the past few months.

"But Athair is here as well", Locke said, "So who on Mobius could walk through Echidnaopolis making a fool out of himself?"

They all also noticed that Thunderhawk was missing but they quickly shoved that thought aside. Thunderhawk was far too serious to do something that stupid.

They just wanted to continue their breakfast when another call came in.

"Someone just frightened people by walking around with a bag full of something that looked like blood, yelling loudly that he needs a blood donation and already brought his own supply", Sojourner told the others while still on the phone, "Turned out to be just a bag of Bloody Mary. And now ..." his expression darkened, "Remington tells me I should come and get my drunken father. He's standing in a hotel lobby with a frame around his neck pretending to be a talking picture..."

"Since when is one of Thunderhawk's leisure time activities binge drinking?" Locke asked unbelievingly.

"Well, we never gave him enough spare time to prove it, did we?" Sabre said and smiled wryly.

"At least he's having fun", Athair said happily.

Spectre had closed his eyes and from the expression on his face the others could see that he tried his best to stay calm. "Well, who would have known that my cappuccino rushes were so famous that now everyone wants to copy them", he finally brought out and showed a grin that would have made even Enerjak flee in terror. "My dear son can be glad if I wait until we are in Haven before he gets a sound thrashing. Let's go and get him out of the city."

"You see, a few days none of us is on surveillance duty and immediately something bad happens", Locke started hopefully, "If at least one of us might have a look at the screens from time to time..."

"No way", Spectre interrupted, "I want a work free holiday and even if that kills us all."

Maybe Thunderhawk couldn't walk straight anymore but he could glide - and that was what he was doing in circles when the other Guardians arrived at the hotel lobby.

"Father, please come down and back to Haven with us", Sojourner pleaded, "You have wrecked enough havoc for one day."

"No, because no one can stop the super radish", Thunderhawk called and quickly flew over their heads and out of the open door.

"Yay, I want to be a cherry", Athair called and followed him.

"Quick, catch that maniac!" Spectre shouted, "And the other maniac too before they can team up."

"Finally we meet again, Knuckles", Kragok said with a malicious grin. "And this time without family or friens to save your sorry ass."

"Says the coward who always hides behind a whole army", Knuckles countered. He just narrowly dodged a blast. "Guess play time is over. Now it's crunch time."

He struck out at Kragok but his fist got blocked by the Grandmaster's claw.

"You are a Guardian and want a fist fight with me? How pathetic."

"Be glad I don't even try to use Chaos energy or you would already have been shredded to pieces."

Both froze in position and slowly turned their heads when suddenly Thunderhawk hopped pass them.

"I'm a birdy, a beautiful birdy", he sang before dripping over his own feet. He quickly sat up again and watched a slug on the ground for a little while before he decided to pick it up and put it into his mouth. A second later he was tackled by five other Guardians.

"Spit that damn slug out!"

"You'll be sorry for making the Brotherhood look like fools."

"Says the one who once mooned the Legion ... No, I didn't mean to ... NO!"

"Spectre! Stay off Sojourner, we have to take care of Thunderhawk first!"

"He spit the slug into my face!"

"I don't want to be a cherry anymore. Now I want to be a daisy."

Knuckles and Kragok watched a while in disbelief before exchanging gazes.

"These are ... Guardians, aren't they?" Kragok asked.

"Yes, unfortunately they are", Knuckles answered and wished he could dig a hole to hide in.

"Wow, and I thought my family was insane."

"I could tell you a lot of stories if we had enough time."

For a few more seconds they silently watched then Kragok started speaking again, "Knuckles ... would you care to join me for a cup of tea and scones? Guess we both have a lot of stories to share."

Knuckles sighed. "Whatever you want as long as I don't have to see that scenario anymore."

Sabre was lying on his bed reading a book. Finally some peace again. Thunderhawk was in his room sleeping and Spectre had enough tranquilizer in his body to kill an elephant - in Spectre's case that only meant he would stay calm enough not to rip anyone's head off for the next few hours.

The door slowly opened and Thunderhawk slipped in. Sabre sat up and suspiciously watched him. The lavender Guardian was still swaying from side to side and looked as if he could drip any second.

"I guess it would be better if you stayed in your room until you're sober. Running into Spectre in this condition is not the best idea right now."

"I came because I wanted to tell you something. You always have been the calmest and nicest of all Guardians. You never put us into trouble or made us look like fools."

He now knelt down before Sabre as if he wanted to propose to him. The younger Guardian slid a bit further away.

"Well, that is..." he said. 'Awkward', his brain finished.

"That's why I made this for you."

Thunderhawk held out a green glowing bracelet. To Sabre this glow looked as if Thunderhawk had smashed a Chaos Emerald and used the splinters for his little jewelery.

"Where have you gotten the parts from?" he asked and an awful thought crossed his mind.

"Well, I had been to the chamber of the Master Emerald and thought that thing looked big enough anyways..."

"What?" Sabre jumped up. "Oh dammit, Thunderhawk, we have to put these parts back."

It wasn't like Angel Island would now drop just because a few little parts were missing out of the Emerald but if Spectre found out what Thunderhawk had done then all hell would break loose.

"No, I'm not giving it back", Thunderhawk shouted, closed his fist around the bracelet, quickly jumped up and ran out of the door, Sabre right on his heels.

"Oh please, don't be so stubborn, grandfather."

When Sojourner walked by Locke's lab he noticed smoke coming forth from under the door. What the heck was going on in there? It couldn't be Locke since he just had seen him in the pidgeon storage room. He teared open the door just to see Athair, a running grill and some very burned sausages.

Sojourner blinked dumbfoundedly for a few seconds before he could ask, "Why the heck are you grilling in Locke's lab?"

"I suddenly felt like grilling and knew that Locke had one of these thingies in his lab but I couldn't find him anywhere and also didn't want to borrow it as long as I didn't know if I was allowed to so I just used it without taking it anywhere else and now I hope you won't tell him pretty pleeeease."

Athair looked at him with puppy eyes.

Sojourner sighed. "Well, I guess there's nothing wrong about grilling in this lab knowing what other more dangerous stuff normally gets stored here. It might only add another kind of smell."

"Yay, thanks", Athair happily said, threw the coal-sausages off and added new ones. "Do you think I can grill tomatoes too? I have some in that bathtub over there."

Sojourner took a confused gaze into a bathtub full of tomatoes. "Uhm, why are you storing them in a tub?"

"Because I always store my vegetables in my bathtub. Do you want an alcohol-drowned pear? I forgot that I put some of them in liquor a few days ago. Hm, I wonder what they taste like when they are grilled."

"Don't forget them anywhere near Thunderhawk, at least not for the next few days", the older male said absent mindedly still staring at the tomatoes. Sometimes he wondered if Athair's name could be found on a list of dangerous and forbidden things - five minutes with him and your brain started to melt. Too late it sank in what the lunatic Guardian just had said.

"No! Don't put the pears there! That's alcohol!"

Fwooosh!

A jet of flame singed or melted down stuff on the shelves. Some of the wooden shelf boards caught fire. Sojourner quickly turned around to get the fire extinguisher but before he got farther than only two steps he heard a sploshing sound behind him. For a few seconds he stood still, his eyes closed in horror of what he would see behind him then he reopened them and turned around. A bathtub was lying upside down on the grill. Tomato juice flooded the floor and made it look as if a massacre had taken place in this room. Shreds of tomatoes were dripping off the walls and shelves.

And then he noticed Athair's fearful gaze. He wasn't staring at Sojourner or the tomato massacre but at the door. Slowly the older male turned around. Locke stood in the doorframe, a few pidgeons were flying up and down and sometimes around him like confused planets around a sun. First the young Guardian only stared with eyes and mouth wide open but then his eyes narrowed and he bared his teeth.

"You two will pay for what you have done to my lab."

If Sojourner ever had been frightened of anyone as much as he had been of Spectre then it was this Locke right now.

"It wasn't my fault", he squealed, "I was just the innocent bystander. It was Athair. Please don't kill me."

"Oh, I won't kill you." Locke slightly smiled. "But others might. Pidgeons, attack!"

Spectre's eyes snapped open when he heard feet trampling over the corridor and loud screams. Couldn't he even take a nap for a few minutes in this insane asylum? He opened the door and looked outside to see the reason for this uproar.

First he saw Sojourner and Athair rushing by, Sojourner shouting, "It wasn't me. Damn, why do all people think everyhing is my fault?" then a bunch of pidgeons, followed by Locke who shouted commands. The strange parade hadn't fully disappeared when from the other side of the corridor Thunderhawk came flying, hitting walls from time to time, Sabre right behind him. "Please, give that back or we all are doomed."

Spectre slammed the door shut and leaned against it. Had he really awaited he could have some quiet and peaceful holidays for a change. Not really since absolutely everyone of his relatives aside of Knuckles was completely insane.

A few minutes later the door opened again and Spectre walked to the surveillance room. He didn't go there to work but rather to find out the contacts of a good insane asylum. Maybe they had still enough space for a bunch of Guardians. Or at least for him so he could have some peace at last. When he switched on the screens his gaze fell on Knuckles and Kragok. They were sitting together at the same table in a café, talking as if they already had been friends for years. Dumbfoundedly Spectre stared at the screen for a few seconds then he closed his eyes and sighed deeply. No, he had to take it back. His WHOLE family was insane.


End file.
